Friday, February 10, 2012

Sex, that taboo.

I got in a car accident a few days ago caused by an illegal immigrant who had no papers, no insurance and probably a stolen car. (But that’s another day’s topic) After the accident, I drove myself to the hospital, got checked up by a pleasant doctor who asked for an X-Ray. I got escorted to the appropriate block by a lady who seemed to be more like the hospital slut than a nurse. She winked at and flirted with every single guy we bumped into on our way to the x-ray room. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any more awkward, the radiologist walked into the room and instead of asking me if there was a chance I could be pregnant (as they would at any normal place), she asked if I was married.

Her dumb question got me to think about her ignorance as a healthcare specialist, our ignorance as a people, the taboo that we made of sex, the meaning that we gave to virginity, and this backwards world that we’re creating for the future generations.

I wanted to say so many things but didn’t know where to begin as her question was wrong on so many levels. I felt the words fighting to get out of my mouth but 5 seconds later all I spit out was: “I’m single.” I felt weak, submissive to the status quo which is not usually a trait of mine. I should have said something. I really should have said something.

We live in a society where it’s 3eib (a shame) to talk about sex in public. I feel awkward bringing up sex in front of my cousins or friends (males of females) who have never left Lebanon. It’s a no-no topic that should just be kept behind closed doors. I think the rule is: if you’re a girl and you’ve done “things” (even if you haven’t gone as far as sex), don’t tell anyone because people talk and then no one would want to marry you. Seriously, what the hell. Where do guys fall into that equation? I know a guy who would only date/marry a virgin when he has literally “de-virginized” half the population. I don’t see anyone telling him to keep quiet about it in the fears of not getting married. Quite the contrary actually, he kinda brags that he’s a man whore. But that’s ok because he’s a guy.

We live in a society where we shame a girl who gets raped to the point that she’d rather keep quiet and let the bastard who raped her go unpunished.

We live in a society where we’re formally introduced to sex for the first time in 9th grade. Don’t get too excited. We learned about animal sex and had to do the math and figure out how it would happen in our species. We don’t have a formal sex education class so naturally we have to get our sex knowledge from other sources; Porn, other kids, random people, movies… Since the forbidden is desired, especially for teenagers who think they’re “badass” for having sex, they go on sex sprees with anyone. With no protection. With no clue.  

We live in a society where the definition of a “virgin” is messed up. So messed up I want to throw up. I was at a doctor’s clinic a few months back when this lady walks in screaming, yelling, going nuts. Her 10-year-old daughter was holding her hand, in tears. The lady was so loud that everyone and their mother heard the story so I didn’t have to eavesdrop. Apparently, her daughter fell on a sharp surface and started bleeding (hence the tears. She was in pain!) and what was the mother worried about? “Please doctor, can you make sure she’s still a virgin? And if she’s not, can you attest on a piece of paper that you’ve checked her up and that she’s never had a sexual relation and that she’s “popped” because of the accident? Just in case we needed it in the future” I was in awe. In shock. I didn’t speak for hours. How do you react to that? What does being a virgin have to do with her damn hymen! And how could the mom think of such thing when her daughter is bleeding to death and is in excruciating pain? I was hoping it was a nightmare that I would wake up from but it wasn’t. I knew it wasn’t because when I told the story in another circle full of Lebanese women, hoping I’d get some of them on my side, I didn’t.

·         WAIT: Wait to have sex but wait for the right reasons. Ladies, saving yourselves for your husbands does not count as one. I don’t see them saving anything for us. Be with a guy who appreciates/respects the fact that you’re a virgin but would be with you even if you weren’t.

·         EDUCATE: Let’s educate teenagers so if they do have sex, they can do it safely. Let’s prevent teenage pregnancies, abortions and STDs.

·         CHANGE YOUR MENTALITY: In order to change a society as a whole, we have to start by changing our own mentality. We can’t expect a girl who gets raped to say something if deep down we’re still going to blame her. We can’t pretend like we’re cool with talking about sex if we’re going to think “slut” of the girl who brings it up.

It is our responsibility as a society to do something.

27 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I'm glad you liked it Victoria! Please share it with your contacts :)

      Delete
    2. Good observations and commentary, ya Rita, and thank you. This particular double standard is an ugly vestige of patriarchal dominance still practiced in some societies. Then directing shame and dishonor at the victim adds quite literally insult to injury.

      Rape is an act of violence and control as is honor killing. Witholding punishment of the perpetrators condones and enables these abominable crimes, and the cycle continues.

      I do try not to be judgmental regarding others' cultural and individual norms, attitudes, and practices, but what value justifies hurting someone if that someone did not already hurt you? Ok ... so the Yanamamo cultural standard encourages the children to hit their parents so that the kids may become good warriors.

      However, rape, honor killing, and bringing shame on the victim I can say quite unequivocally and unapologetically is fucking wrong.

      Delete
    3. Thank you so much for your insights. You can respect other cultures' traditions to a point but as you said, sometimes they're flat out BS.

      Delete
  2. As a man, I felt the pressure to have sex from an early age. That pressure was strongest during college, so much that I felt a bit ashamed to tell people I was a virgin. But now that I've had sex a couple of times, it's really not that big of a deal. I sure don't feel any different, or "more badass" because of it.

    -Eric

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eric, thank you so much for sharing your experience with us! You must have been over 18 if you've had sex in college, so probably beyond the years that I had in mind when I said they'd feel like a "badass" for having sex. Also do keep in mind that it's the Lebanese culture that I was targeting in my complaints and frustrations not so much the American culture so what might be true for teenagers here may not be true for teenagers elsewhere. Thanks again :) hope you're well!

      Delete
  3. i wonder why you keep that on online blogs, why you don't approach english news paper in Lebanon where you can publish such great articles... Great Job Rita, waiting for the next ;)

    Bechara Daher

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bechara, thank you SO much. It means a lot :) and will be working on that. It'll just take some time but I'll get there God willing :)

      Delete
  4. Honestly when i read that you were a blogger, i never expected that it was going to be this interesting. Loved the subject as it is so true and reflects the typical Lebanese mentality.
    Keep it up.
    Cedric S.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cedric, thank you so much! I'm glad you liked the post :) I'll tweet about any new posts! @housseinyrita

      Delete
  5. Replies
    1. Thank you Lizzie! :) Miss you. Hope you're well. xxxx

      Delete
  6. Ahh my dear Rita, how happy I am to read your thoughts on this subject ! How many times have I encountered several conflicts with my friends (mostly male friends) about virginity.

    Everything you said is 100% true, we have a complete misunderstanding of sex as a concept and everything revolves around that stupid "is she a virgin" thing...

    Back to when I still was in Lebanon, I was asked if I would accept to get married to a girl who is not a virgin. My answer was : "What's the problem about it ?".

    Little did I know by then that it would generate a huge *gasp* from the people around me. All of them telling me that they would never get married to a non virgin girl, meanwhile they go and sleep around. I asked them : "aren't you causing hurt & pain to those girls you're sleeping with then ?" and the answer was : "no because they are already NON virgins, so I am not the one who is taking away their virginity. And men and created differently than women, they are ALLOWED"...

    After listening to such words and way of thinking, I decided to stop arguing, since it was a lost cause... We know NOTHING about sex in Lebanon and believe me, lebanese guys always think that having sex is badass, even when they turn out to be 25 years old...

    Now Lebanon is changing a lot, but it's changing too fast and towards a very unsafe environment... Many subjects were taboo for years & years, and we have always lived in a conservative country. We are now heading towards and ultra liberal thinking and trying to abolish every restriction just for the sake of it. Now it's COOL to be an atheist, it's also COOL to have sex before marriage. Not just COOL, you HAVE to do it, otherwise you're considered old school...

    This is what scares me in that country, we never have a right middle...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I obviously agree with what you said, especially the last part. They take open-mindedness the very wrong way and it's causing us to go in a very bad direction as you've mentioned. As I said in my post, when sex is such a taboo, people, especially teenagers just want to do it because they're going "against the wind" so they go about it the wrong way without protection.

      Delete
  7. I'm a lebanese girl living in Lebanon. I loved your article since it discusses a very important subject that is considered to be very taboo in our messed up society. Tabooed to the point that neither schools nor parents educate children about sex and everything that has to do with it. So i personally was very intrigued in my early teens about it. And while i knew some stuff from the environment, school, other kids, tv, and very very little from my mom (who blushed a lot the only time we brought the subject and it was because the night before she woke up and saw me watching Sex and the City and when she looked at the tv there was a sex scene so the next day she talked to me about it... ) i wanted to find out by myself what it feels like, and because i knew that virginity counts in our society ( without being aware of what's the symbol of it: the hymen) i didn't have sex with guys and i'm still a virgin so far, but i started masturbating ! i even fingered myself and till this day i still worry about whether i broke my hymen or not. I still masturbate ( i'm 20 now ) but i rarely finger myself now... I feel very suppressed in this society and i'm still a virgin without being convinced of the reason why i should stay this way. I'm still afraid that my parents might find out i maturbate. And i'm worried that if one day i want to get married if he's gonna accept the fact that i masturbate and he's gonna believe that i haven't had sex with anyone ( in case my hymen was broken)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i don't understand why guys have the right to do whatever they want with whoever they want but we can't. We are human beings too and naturally have sexual desires and needs. And i wonder if they feel guilty about the girls with whom they have sex like do they ever think about this girl's future? what if no one marries her because she's had sex with him?
      This is really really unfair and this society needs to change a.s.a.p because it's only based on hypocrisy and fake values.
      It's even getting me to the point where i can't wait to graduate from college to find a job abroad and run away.

      Delete
    2. Dear anonymous,

      Thank you so much for your honest comment. I am truly sorry you're going through all of this. If it makes you feel any better, ANYone who tells you he/she doesn't masturbate, is probably lying. We all have done it at some point. If you're concerned about your hymen deal, a gyneco can tell you if it is or it's not broken. From a scientific point of view, anything can break it. Female horse riders can break it at a very young age so can gymnasts. It can break from reasons other than actual intercourse. That's why it's dumb that it's used as a rule of thumb by backward societies.

      I personally would not marry a guy who for 1 doesn't know that and for 2 cares about it. As I said, I'm all for guys who appreciate girls who have waited, but would not tolerate the ones who would be with girls only because they waited. We're not a "kilo batata" and there is so much more to us than a damn intact hymen.

      Delete
  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I totally agree !! very interesting :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. great article, straight to the point but my advice avoid arguing about this subject with ignorant people (like when u were asked if u were married). keep the ignorants people ignorant.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Like your post but aren't you contributing to the very viewpoint you're arguing against by calling the woman who works at the hospital a slut?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading! I don't believe so. What and whom the woman does in her spare time is none of my business. But she had absolutely no respect to her position nor her patient by flirting with other staff members when she's on the clock.

      Delete
  12. Is it because we all know the Lebanese are such excellent and safe drivers *cough cough* that you point out the person who hit you was an illegal immigrant? And calling the nurse a slut because she's flirting on the job.. Was she being unprofessional? Yes. Does it make her a 'slut'? No. And saying it is none of your business 'whom she does in her spare time' (above).. you shouldn't be assuming that she 'does' anyone at all only account of her behaviour...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi anonymous,

      How I or he drives has nothing to do with our passports. But I don't need to tell you that as you sound smart. If you've met me, you'd quickly figure out that i'm the worst driver you've met. Therefore, there is no way I was gonna judge his citizenship/residency status based on his driving skills.. simply no room for that.

      He's an illegal immigrant because he told me while shaking the second I said I was gonna call an expert witness.

      As for the nurse, I didn't say she's doing anyone. I said if she were, it's none of my business. Was "slut" a bit too harsh of a qualifier for a nurse flirting and winking at the hospital staff while chewing her gum like one? Perhaps. So I'll take it back.

      Delete
  13. Dear Ratrouti,

    it's always pleasant to read you :)

    As a reply, I will just quote a friend (a non-lebanese male one) who:
    ...Why don't lebanese guys focus on being the "last" ones, instead of craving for being the "first"...

    keep up with the good job smarty!
    xxxxx

    M.J.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your non-Lebanese friend is very wise ;) Thanks M.J, love you!

      Delete