You know life can have quite the sense of humor sometimes. This past week has been eventful. So eventful, in fact, that the title of this blog post didn’t start out the way it reads now. It initially was “Women Should Lose the Pants [period]”
The reason? Simple. At some point this week, I thought my pants are the problem and was ready to give up on them; but now, I’m no longer sure.
Chances are I’ve lost you at pants. If so, please get your head out of the gutter and think a little deeper.
Many years back, I dated a drop dead gorgeous guy. To this day, I still think he’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. So hot in fact, that I stayed with him for a whole year and a half just so I can look at him. That’s a long time when you’re 17. I was the girl who always built up his ego, reminded him how sexy he was everyday (though he didn’t need the reminder) and even complimented his brains every now and then; despite the fact that he wasn’t exactly what you would call smart. Guys need that, a woman who supports them, I thought.
Months passed and I realized that I was giving a lot more in the relationship than I ever took. That by staying with him [knowing he was having an affair], I was sacrificing my everything including my dignity.
I decided to put an end to it but blamed myself for the mishap for a very long time. I probably wasn’t enough for him, I told myself. A drop dead gorgeous guy needs a size 0, six-foot tall drop dead gorgeous girl so they can be gorgeous together and have gorgeous babies.
It took me years to finally get over him. But with getting over him, came another item.
The Pants.
Sorry it took me this long to finally get to the pants, but I needed you to be aware of the background before we got here.
I wasn’t always the woman I am today. Bitter is probably not the best word to describe it so let’s call it “pink-less,” “girl-less,” “pants-ful.”
To girls, I’m strong and independent. To guys [or some], I’m probably the Cruela who doesn’t need them or anyone else for that matter.
Whether Hotboy (HB) was the reason or not, is not the point of this post. He was definitely a trigger though. The trigger that brought out the pinkless in me.
I’ll give you a couple examples so you get the picture. I gave HB passes for everything; being hours late to dates, not putting me first, checking out other women when I was around, having no clue what he wants to do in life or even what he wants. Anything he did wrong in the eyes of everyone, I gave him excuses for. Because, I mean, he was him. The hot, handsome him. And he was with me, though he could have been with any other model-like girl. And trust me, we don’t have a shortage of those in Lebanon.
Today, I’m different. I surprise myself everyday with behavior that would be deemed too manly/extreme/harsh even for a man.
When I love, I still love with all my heart. And I’m still a giver, that hasn’t changed.
But I want things to be a certain way now. The guy I choose needs to meet me half way, put me and my needs above others’, respect me enough to show up. On time. Feel just as lucky that I chose him as I feel that he chose me. Because, I mean, (narcissistic comment alert) I think really highly of myself. I studied hard, worked tirelessly and overcame incredibly difficult experiences to build my “life Résumé” and become the me writing this today.
I now decide overnight to take trips to the randomest of places, by myself, because I can. I have no problem packing up tomorrow and moving to a different continent, because why not. I have no desire to tie the knot anytime soon and don’t see the issue in sitting at the movie theater watching a movie by myself.
Love issues this week called for several “meetings” with a few girl friends of mine who see life from the same angle. We decided that maybe our pink levels are too low, our pants are too high and that we need to act more like “normal” girls.
Okay, okay. Maybe there are things that we could do differently. Letting guys pay for things every now and then is a good start and not the end of the world. Getting their opinion on things before we actually do them is feasible. Not talking to them for days because they broke one of our rules is probably not the best solution. But I can’t act vulnerable and dependent. It’s simply unnatural. Un-me. Undoable for any guy regardless of how much I love him.
Do we need them? Undoubtedly. But in the same way they need us. To give us love, sex, babies and be someone we can build a life with. We (and by we I don’t mean Women, I mean the Pinklesses) don’t need a provider, a leader, a controller. We need a lover, a companion, a friend. Who respects our independence and lack of helplessness and understands that these attributes don’t diminish our love by one bit.
Is this too much to ask? I mean should we tone down the pants so we don’t emasculate the guys in our lives?
But.
I kinda like my pants.
The reason? Simple. At some point this week, I thought my pants are the problem and was ready to give up on them; but now, I’m no longer sure.
Chances are I’ve lost you at pants. If so, please get your head out of the gutter and think a little deeper.
Many years back, I dated a drop dead gorgeous guy. To this day, I still think he’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen. So hot in fact, that I stayed with him for a whole year and a half just so I can look at him. That’s a long time when you’re 17. I was the girl who always built up his ego, reminded him how sexy he was everyday (though he didn’t need the reminder) and even complimented his brains every now and then; despite the fact that he wasn’t exactly what you would call smart. Guys need that, a woman who supports them, I thought.
Months passed and I realized that I was giving a lot more in the relationship than I ever took. That by staying with him [knowing he was having an affair], I was sacrificing my everything including my dignity.
I decided to put an end to it but blamed myself for the mishap for a very long time. I probably wasn’t enough for him, I told myself. A drop dead gorgeous guy needs a size 0, six-foot tall drop dead gorgeous girl so they can be gorgeous together and have gorgeous babies.
It took me years to finally get over him. But with getting over him, came another item.
The Pants.
Sorry it took me this long to finally get to the pants, but I needed you to be aware of the background before we got here.
I wasn’t always the woman I am today. Bitter is probably not the best word to describe it so let’s call it “pink-less,” “girl-less,” “pants-ful.”
To girls, I’m strong and independent. To guys [or some], I’m probably the Cruela who doesn’t need them or anyone else for that matter.
Whether Hotboy (HB) was the reason or not, is not the point of this post. He was definitely a trigger though. The trigger that brought out the pinkless in me.
I’ll give you a couple examples so you get the picture. I gave HB passes for everything; being hours late to dates, not putting me first, checking out other women when I was around, having no clue what he wants to do in life or even what he wants. Anything he did wrong in the eyes of everyone, I gave him excuses for. Because, I mean, he was him. The hot, handsome him. And he was with me, though he could have been with any other model-like girl. And trust me, we don’t have a shortage of those in Lebanon.
Today, I’m different. I surprise myself everyday with behavior that would be deemed too manly/extreme/harsh even for a man.
When I love, I still love with all my heart. And I’m still a giver, that hasn’t changed.
But I want things to be a certain way now. The guy I choose needs to meet me half way, put me and my needs above others’, respect me enough to show up. On time. Feel just as lucky that I chose him as I feel that he chose me. Because, I mean, (narcissistic comment alert) I think really highly of myself. I studied hard, worked tirelessly and overcame incredibly difficult experiences to build my “life Résumé” and become the me writing this today.
I now decide overnight to take trips to the randomest of places, by myself, because I can. I have no problem packing up tomorrow and moving to a different continent, because why not. I have no desire to tie the knot anytime soon and don’t see the issue in sitting at the movie theater watching a movie by myself.
Love issues this week called for several “meetings” with a few girl friends of mine who see life from the same angle. We decided that maybe our pink levels are too low, our pants are too high and that we need to act more like “normal” girls.
Okay, okay. Maybe there are things that we could do differently. Letting guys pay for things every now and then is a good start and not the end of the world. Getting their opinion on things before we actually do them is feasible. Not talking to them for days because they broke one of our rules is probably not the best solution. But I can’t act vulnerable and dependent. It’s simply unnatural. Un-me. Undoable for any guy regardless of how much I love him.
Do we need them? Undoubtedly. But in the same way they need us. To give us love, sex, babies and be someone we can build a life with. We (and by we I don’t mean Women, I mean the Pinklesses) don’t need a provider, a leader, a controller. We need a lover, a companion, a friend. Who respects our independence and lack of helplessness and understands that these attributes don’t diminish our love by one bit.
Is this too much to ask? I mean should we tone down the pants so we don’t emasculate the guys in our lives?
But.
I kinda like my pants.
Very relevant article, Rita. I have the same conversations with myself as well. I'm sure all successful, intelligent, motivated women do. Why? Because in order to maintain those qualities, you have to be - as you put it - pantful. Less time gabbing on the phone about nonsense and more time focused as a laser beam on achieving your goals. Although there is certainly nothing implicitly wrong with being a strong, independent woman, these qualities often times inadvertently lead these kinds of women to treat men with the same level of pointedness and directness that, frankly, only work environments appreciate.
ReplyDeleteTo add a perspective on you and your girlfriends' conversations, I would suggest not actively trying to add more "pink" to your relationships, but rather spending time focusing on self control. For example, contain your burning desire to tell him how wrong he is and why during an intellectual conversation. Rather, let him speak, pause, digest, and wait for a response until next time...or at least just wait to respond and don't be so quick to spit out your opinion. I like to think of it as self-improvement, NOT changing myself for a guy, because that's precisely what it is. Sometimes we lose the forest for the trees when we're too busy trying to show people, particularly men, how smart we are. Don't get caught in that trap. Continue to embrace your pants, but realize that everyone - whether they're as pink as they come or as pants as they come - needs to be more self aware, more patient, and less concerned with proving to the world how smart or amazing they are. You and God know, that's who matters.
I realized that I never responded to this post though in my head I had. ;) points well taken and right on the money. I knew you'd understand how I feel! I love you w chta2tellik ktir
DeleteVery well said Rita!
ReplyDeleteThank you! So sorry for the really late reply. I was convinced that I had responded to all of these comments!
DeleteEvery time I tell my husband what I feel and what I need he tells me to go and find a stupid American :) instead of Him (Armenian macho) who has never been taught how to respect women and treat them as equally important. I think Lebanese men are similar or close to Armenian guys in they way to treat women. And in my opinion women are to blame, most specifically, their mothers who probably struggled first, couldn't change their own husbands, accepted it, and tried to persuade themselves and everybody around them that it is normal, this is the way it should be. They never try to teach their sons to be different. Deep in their hearts they want to believe that they did their best and it's just impossible.
ReplyDeleteWhat is even more interesting that everything that I need from my husband in his eyes is American. Funny. Rita, you have lived in the US for a long time. Do you think this is true? I kind of doubt it.
In fact, I love my husband more than I could love anybody in the world, and I definitely understand that if not him then I will not need a "husband" at all.
And why should I need a husband who thinks that I am born to serve him, that he is more important than me. He believes that I need him and I will not survive without him, and women, in general, are not smart enough to make decisions themselves. Being a very smart in a lot of areas, he is so stupid in our (female) psychology:)
To be continued... (His mom is sure that I've changed him a lot:))
I think I know who this is :)
DeleteI don't think what you need in a husband is "American." That said, Americans, or at least most of the ones I've met, do have these qualities and treat their women the way I'd want to be treated i.e. their equal. I read somewhere that Lebanon and prob Armenia (and Armenian communities in general) are 60 years behind the states in women's rights which does not shock me at all.
Anyway, what u said about their moms is unfortunately probably true. But I'm glad your mother-in-law thinks you've changed him!
What a shame of all the men, you had your first experience with HB.
ReplyDeleteNot all men are the same, and when you find the right guy he is going to be the one. The one who treats you as a friend, a lover and a companion, may he, be Lebanese, Armenian, American or from Timbuktu. If he looks at other women you say she is gorgeous but don’t forget to point out the handsome men yourself, if he is late on a date, just go out somewhere else and don’t even bother to answer his call or worse apologise. When my husband says jokingly (let’s say) Angelina Jolie what a woman, that’s a woman to have as a wife, I would say a woman like that will not even glimpse at a man like you, pointing out she is married to Brad Pitt. Don’t let them degrade you, degrade them jokingly. As for your HB, well it seems he is brainless, most handsome men are. You certainly need someone to tackle your intelligence and give you good company, not a man to give excuses for. Don’t search for beauty search for an intelligent guy and go for a gentleman, believe me they still exist.
As for Annonymous your husband should know and be taught that Americans are not stupid if they treat their wives as equals, point to him some achievers like Bill Gates, tell him I bet you cannot even use a computer well if he does, you can try : fix a computer or make a program ….
Pants or lose the pants, pink or frilly, just be comfortable with whatever you choose.